My Right to be Barbie

Evening my beautiful dollies,

I was out with my sister one night as we drove away from her house she said something like this: “I want to know what you are thinking now ( I assumed she meant now, after the weight loss change). You are so weird.” I didn’t really understand what she meant by “weird”. I think she meant my change, not only my weight change, but the way I act, my thoughts, the way I dress, my look. I am someone totally different from who I was.

This blog is becoming quite muddled in my head. It is very difficult trying to steer it in a certain path as I keep trying to keep it from its true path. I am done with that. I will take this blog in the path it was meant to be taken, not the one I took it out of fear of judgment.

“Join with all those who experiment, take risks, fall, get hurt and then take more risks. Stay away from those who affirm truths, who criticize those who do not think like them, people who have never taken a step unless they were sure they would be respected for doing so, and who prefer certainties to doubts.”-The Way of the Bow by Paulo Coehlo

I am currently in love with the writings of Paulo Coelho. As I read his books I interpret so many of the things he writes about to things connected to my life. I am currently reading The Way of the Bow because I was having some difficulties moving forward with my growth. I believe part of that was because I was trying to hide who I am and what I am working for. I will no longer do that. I will be honest with all and live the life how I wish to live it.

“‘Now I release this arrow knowing that I took the necessary risks and gave my best.’” The Way of the Bow by Paulo Coehlo.

If I offend your sensibilities let me just state right now that I have a deep belief that we are all destined to a specific path and when we follow it life flows, life is happy, life is exciting. When we move away from that path or when we chose another to follow our lives become darken by something and the happiness we do live is grey and monotone. As many of you know I was 220 lbs about a year and a half ago. I know stand at 140lbs. Give or take a pound (-_-) Claiming that my diet and exercise is the only reason for the change is cheating my success and lying to you as well. My whole life I have craved to be wanted, desired, beautiful, sexy, sensual, a true object of beauty to be pleasing to the eye. A Barbie.

 

I want to walk into the room and be truly desired. No, not just want. I desire it and get a thrill from it. It gives me the highest rush to walk across a dance floor and know that every man in that club is looking at me. It makes my head lift high and feel proud. Before, 220lbs. before, that kind of situation would of made my head lower and try to rush through the dance floor to hide. Instead of following my path what did I do? I buried my desire in a mound of fat. 100lbs of fat. Buried my desire and my beauty as deep as possible.

 

The question here is why? FEAR. I did not want to be seen as a slut, a whore, a bimbo, by other women. Not only by the strange woman in line to go see a movie, but my sisters, my cousins, and especially my mother. Nothing is more fearsome to us then another woman judging us. Isn’t that true? Thinking over what they will think if you wear a short dress or if you make a choice to get implants. That somehow the way I chose to live my life is wrong because it not follows the “norm”, it doesnt not show “self-respect”. I say that because that is what I thought when I used to see the big boob, blonde, high heel, tight short skirt, women passing by. Thought how scandalous she was and how “sad” because she lived her life trying to stand out. Trying to be pleasing, yet deep inside I was jealous she didn’t care one grain of salt about what I thought. She lived the life she wanted. Dressed how she desired and received the attention she wanted.

We bury ourselves in shyness, fat, dress down, whatever it takes to please other women. We leave  being our dreams far behind. We never can be a barbie doll. I am here to stop that. I want to be a barbie doll, I want to be beautiful. I want to use make up to make my face a piece of art. I want clothes to decorate myself, stand out. I want to be desired, and I believe I have the right to be.

This blog has been desiring to go down its path of fitness, diet, beauty, make-up, heels, clothes, skin care, everything that a Barbie does to be a doll. Now that I have made it clear I do believe this blog will flow smoother as will my life. Now that I am no longer hiding it or trying to find other words for what I am.

 

This is who I am and what I believe.

 

xoxo,

Bianca 

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Why grain detox?

Allloooo Dollies,

 

I hope Tuesday is treating all the pretty dollies out there decently! One of the things I wanted to write about is more of an explanation for dropping a certain food from your food diet for an x amount of time. I was chatting with a couple of friends about what I did for the weight loss and how I stopped eating grain carbs for about two months. As I spoke to them about it, I realized I never gave the results of what would happen if you actually did try it. So here it is!

One of the biggest changes, if you do drop grain carbs, is that your stomach adapts to your new lifestyle. Usually and most likely people eat a lot more than they need to. I am guilty of that as well! Yet, when it comes to pastas and breads we eat a lot more than we should. I think because grain carbs come in such a variety.

At breakfast you might have some pancakes, followed by a sandwich at lunch with some type of cookie or brownie, then to end the night you will have a full bowl of pasta, with half a loaf of bread. We don’t really realize how many grain carbs we are eating because they do come in such a huge variety. So as you are going through your, lets call it “Two month detox”, of grain carbs your brain begins to realize just what out there has grain carbs. So you become a lot more aware of what you are eating. You realize you eat it more than veggies, more than fruits, more than protein, and fiber.

 

Another thing that gets adjusted is the amount you can take. After your two month detox your stomach can not take as much pasta or bread as it used to. At the moment I can only eat a cup of pasta, a cup of cooked pasta. If I eat more than that I will feel stuffed. A cup of cooked pasta is not a lot. I used to be able to eat bowls of it, followed with bread. Now it is not possible because grain carbs are such a heavy food that when I have my cup I am done. Could I eat more? Yes. Would I get used to it again? Yes. Yet I am now conscious that my body and my stomach do not need a bowl of pasta or half a loaf of bread.

 

I keep pointing bread and pasta out because I know for a fact it is the ones that people seem to have no restriction over. By bread I also include tortillas or nan bread, etc. Whatever bread staple of a culture. I love to observe people and I have watched people eat a whole loaf of bread with butter in every single slice. We are so trained to have our brain tell us to stop at the 3^rd cookie or 4^th brownie, but with bread there is not restriction. The same with pasta.

 

So if you are able to hold on and battle out the grain carb detox then your body will change. I do not believe you should stop eating it forever. I eat pasta. I have made the choice not to eat bread, but I eat tortillas (to a limit of 2). Yet, going through the detox of it has changed my eating habits in regards to it. It also changes your emotional ties to it.

If you have a deep resistance to what I am saying it is because you have a deep connection to that food as your comfort. That is the truth. How do I know? Because if you change the “grain carbs” word in this blog with sugar and “pasta” and “bread” with “coffee with sugar” and “chocolate” I have a great resistance. I resist to the idea of cutting those sugars out of my life. Why? Because at this point in my life they are still my comfort food. They are what makes me feel good. I do not like the idea of never again eating chocolate or dropping it for two months.

The difference is that I acknowledge it and I am working to change it. I have moved to raw sugar and bought the sugar packets because I knew I couldn’t trust myself to just spoon out the “correct” amount. Now I commit to 1 packet vs. the 3 I used to use. Chocolate I just don’t buy it anymore. I see the Reese’s and bite my tongue. I keep looking forward.

Anywhoos. That is my two cents on that. It worked for me and have a belief that it could work for you. In the mere fact that it will break you from your tie to that one comfort food. It is late and should really try to keep up with my sleep until I am completely better. Nite nite dollies.

 

xoxo,

Bianca

I am still alive! Kinda

Dollies!!!

 

Waaah I have been so sick! Thankfully I am feeling better. It was one of those were you are just tired all the time. On Saturday I tried sleeping in, but my body just woke up like at 8am in the morning and would not go back to sleep. So on Sunday I finally placed a blanket over my window and made it super dark. I was able to sleep in until like 10:30. That helped. I decided to just lay in bed and watch T.V. Rested.

 

I couldn’t remember when it was the last time I actually had done that or even half of that. I mean I know many of you don’t even have the privilege to have that option due to work or family, but I have been going for so long and going out every weekend that I think my body just needed a “home” day. Or what my mom would call being lazy. So I was.

 

I watched some Dog Whisperer, then I got caught up on all of season 6 of Dexter. Which let me tell you, not a great idea. I had dreams all night long of blood. =|  I mean I wasn’t scared cause I think they were mostly retellings of what I had seen, but yes not a good thing to have running through your head while in a deep sleep. Won’t do that again. lol.

 

I did get up like around 5pm to take a shower, cause I was just like sticky sweaty, then went for a 40 minute walk. It felt good, but it definitely was all I had energy for. I came back home, “cleaned” up a little, then finished up my Dexter.

 

Anywhoos. I am back…semi back. Today I was just tired, but I think of being in bed tired. I am feeling a bit better and looking forward to going to the gym. I have five pounds that I just can’t seem to get rid of. It is kind of annoying me now. I think I have to go REALLY clean up my food.

 

Anywhoos I had so many ideas running through my head before getting so busy and sick. I hope I can recall them all.

 

xoxo,

Bianca ❤