I was out with my sister one night as we drove away from her house she said something like this: “I want to know what you are thinking now ( I assumed she meant now, after the weight loss change). You are so weird.” I didn’t really understand what she meant by “weird”. I think she meant my change, not only my weight change, but the way I act, my thoughts, the way I dress, my look. I am someone totally different from who I was.
This blog is becoming quite muddled in my head. It is very difficult trying to steer it in a certain path as I keep trying to keep it from its true path. I am done with that. I will take this blog in the path it was meant to be taken, not the one I took it out of fear of judgment.
“Join with all those who experiment, take risks, fall, get hurt and then take more risks. Stay away from those who affirm truths, who criticize those who do not think like them, people who have never taken a step unless they were sure they would be respected for doing so, and who prefer certainties to doubts.”-The Way of the Bow by Paulo Coehlo
I am currently in love with the writings of Paulo Coelho. As I read his books I interpret so many of the things he writes about to things connected to my life. I am currently reading The Way of the Bow because I was having some difficulties moving forward with my growth. I believe part of that was because I was trying to hide who I am and what I am working for. I will no longer do that. I will be honest with all and live the life how I wish to live it.
“‘Now I release this arrow knowing that I took the necessary risks and gave my best.’” The Way of the Bow by Paulo Coehlo.
If I offend your sensibilities let me just state right now that I have a deep belief that we are all destined to a specific path and when we follow it life flows, life is happy, life is exciting. When we move away from that path or when we chose another to follow our lives become darken by something and the happiness we do live is grey and monotone. As many of you know I was 220 lbs about a year and a half ago. I know stand at 140lbs. Give or take a pound (-_-) Claiming that my diet and exercise is the only reason for the change is cheating my success and lying to you as well. My whole life I have craved to be wanted, desired, beautiful, sexy, sensual, a true object of beauty to be pleasing to the eye. A Barbie.
I want to walk into the room and be truly desired. No, not just want. I desire it and get a thrill from it. It gives me the highest rush to walk across a dance floor and know that every man in that club is looking at me. It makes my head lift high and feel proud. Before, 220lbs. before, that kind of situation would of made my head lower and try to rush through the dance floor to hide. Instead of following my path what did I do? I buried my desire in a mound of fat. 100lbs of fat. Buried my desire and my beauty as deep as possible.
The question here is why? FEAR. I did not want to be seen as a slut, a whore, a bimbo, by other women. Not only by the strange woman in line to go see a movie, but my sisters, my cousins, and especially my mother. Nothing is more fearsome to us then another woman judging us. Isn’t that true? Thinking over what they will think if you wear a short dress or if you make a choice to get implants. That somehow the way I chose to live my life is wrong because it not follows the “norm”, it doesnt not show “self-respect”. I say that because that is what I thought when I used to see the big boob, blonde, high heel, tight short skirt, women passing by. Thought how scandalous she was and how “sad” because she lived her life trying to stand out. Trying to be pleasing, yet deep inside I was jealous she didn’t care one grain of salt about what I thought. She lived the life she wanted. Dressed how she desired and received the attention she wanted.
We bury ourselves in shyness, fat, dress down, whatever it takes to please other women. We leave being our dreams far behind. We never can be a barbie doll. I am here to stop that. I want to be a barbie doll, I want to be beautiful. I want to use make up to make my face a piece of art. I want clothes to decorate myself, stand out. I want to be desired, and I believe I have the right to be.
This blog has been desiring to go down its path of fitness, diet, beauty, make-up, heels, clothes, skin care, everything that a Barbie does to be a doll. Now that I have made it clear I do believe this blog will flow smoother as will my life. Now that I am no longer hiding it or trying to find other words for what I am.
This is who I am and what I believe.
xoxo,