I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about my future. We both have differnet perspectives about life and what is important. I have always enjoyed to travel and move around, for this reason I haven’t really been able to settle down properly and build “wealth”. 10+ years in the teaching profession and I really haven’t began to save or have a stable base to grow old into. So we were discussing me wanting to go and take a break from teaching next school year. With the pandemic and all that has happened I just have this suffocating need to get out. The city I live in really doesn’t interest me, nor do I put any effort in wanting to be interested by it. So after almost 2 years of being stuck indoors, in the same city, I just need to get out. On top of that this upcoming school year will be the first time I have ever taught more than 4 years in a row. I am not sure whether it is the pandemic or my time running its course, but I wake up every morning knowing I still have 5 more days of work. I will say that once school starts, the day flies and I enjoy it. Yet this annoying feeling every night and every morning that I have to go into work is present every single day. Currently my interest lay across the ocean on the Asia continent. Although I lived there for a year in 2010, at that time in my life, I was not interested in their history, culture, or existence. That has changed and now that I have this interest it attracts me to go back. To go explore it and live it. I can see it as a possibility. I haven’t had that before. When I was younger I was very interested in Italy’s and Greece’s history, lifestyle, and culture. Yet, I did not get myself over there. For this and other reasons I just feel like I need to get out.

As I discussed this with a friend, he saw it from the perspective of my “wealth” building up. I am in a point in my career that I will be moving up in income due to earning a Master’s and I am currently able to actually save money and control my irresponsible spending urges. Also, researching about buying a home. So he obviously does not agree with me taking off for a year to escape or live somewhere else, with the possibility of loosing the momentum I have right now with money. He mentions the idea of me getting older and having that safe net. How will I survive when I am 60+ without any money? I will say that his words do make sense and I understand them, which I think piss me off more. I won’t deny that now that I am turning 40 in a year or so the idea of retirement and getting old is beginning to grow in my mind. I have made the choice not to have children and at this point in my life finding a partner is not a priority. This means that an immediate support of family is not going to be present for me when I get older. I have a huge family when it comes to sisters, brothers in law, and nieces and nephews. I will honestly say that my Latino upbringing gives me comfort in knowing I have them. Something to fall back on. Yet, I also have lived life and I have work with so many families and seen things fall apart. Is it their responsibility to take care of me if I get sick? run out of money? don’t have a home? The feeling of becoming a burden to them, is not something I am comfortable with either. So I understand and know that building my money is something I HAVE to do.

So he suggests that I can’t leave, can’t take a break. I must stay, build my career, begin looking for other options, make the money, establish the home, build a base for my future. And while all that makes sense all I keep asking is What if I am building it somewhere I do not belong? I don’t feel like I belong, but I have felt this way in many of the places I travel. I have moved and traveled to have that sense of being somewhere new and different and knowing that not belonging is ok in that time frame. Yet, after 3 years that reason goes away and the sense of not belonging is still there. So I keep looking for that place that I do belong. Yet, could this feeling of not belonging also be because I have moved to places just for the escape factor and not the interest. Alaska, South Korea, Colorado, Humboldt, all have been places that have fed my “new place, new things, escape” need, but I had no interest or deep desire to move to those places. My current desire to move is not the same. I began in 2018 desiring to go back to Asia and have kept that at bay for this many years.

So the idea of spending more time and building money in a place that I do not enjoy feels so scary. Yet, what if I do take off and even with this build up of interest gives me the same results?

My inner struggle is between these two things. Build for my future and/or live for my present. And at this point it seems that the two do not correlate.

P.S. Hope most of this made sense. Its been awhile since I blogged and I kinda just needed to put it out there and get feedback.